Endings and Beginnings

Today my therapist said the words everyone wants to hear. And those words scared the wits out of me.

The words were: "I'm starting to feel like you don't really need therapy anymore."

I felt everything in that moment. Happiness, sadness, anxiety, disbelief.
I know I'm feeling better but I'm afraid of the future. And 'what if`' thoughts begin to race in my head.
What if I start feeling bad again? What if I can't work anymore? What if I can't leave the house?

These thoughts are not realistic and I know that but they still scare me.
My therapist wonderfully said that of course if I ever start feeling bad I can immediately text her and book an appointment. I know I'm catastrophizing. (What is catastrophizing? Psychcentral.com explains.) Fearing the worst possible for my future. Therapist reminded me that there are always options, nothing is set in stone. And it made me feel better.

So in my near future I'm looking at going to therapy not so often.

(Note: I've been going twice a month now. Every other week. When I started six years ago, I went twice a week. So there has been significant change already. But actually thinking about quitting is a big deal.)

When I was driving home, the first song that came on the radio was finnish band Stella's song 'Aamun kuiskaus' (Morning's whisper) and it just felt right for the moment.

Lyrics translate from lyrictranslate.com:

Morning's Whisper

Some days are better than others
you understand that
it depends also a lot about you how
you color this picture
 
Go ahead, the ice will carry you
be calm, you know i'll follow you
the ice will carry you, close your eyes already

Feel how the wind
paints a new color on your face
don't worry, the voice that you hear
is morning's whisper, it wakes you up slowly

It's very easy to sink in moments
where the feeling is lie
you only lose your soul on nightly trips
you get deep cuts

say a word, and you know i'll come meet you
be calm, i still follow you
the ice can carry you
( now) hear my song

Feel how the wind
paints a new color on your face
don't worry, the voice that you hear
is morning's whisper, it wakes you up slowly

Go ahead, the ice can carry you

Go ahead, the ice can carry you

Go ahead, the ice can carry you
close your eyes already

Feel how the wind
paints a new color on your face
don't worry, the voice that you hear
is morning's whisper, it wakes you up slowly

Feel how the wind

Paints a new color

The voice that you hear
is morning's whisper, it wakes you up slowly
Go ahead, the ice can carry you

Dream

Today in therapy we talked about dreams. More particularly destinations I would like to travel to and the things I'd want to see.

Cliffs of Moher, Ireland, tweeted to GotIreland by AlmaJesen

My first thoughts were "Not gonna happen. Ever. Me on an airplane? Remember the last time...?" and so on. It was like a reflex. These thought patterns have been so much a part of me that at first it was hard to even be aware of them. No wonder changing them can be difficult.

I let the negative thoughts pass and actually started to feel excited.

I've read articles about the importance and benefits of dreaming. I knew "all" about how you should dream something and then visualise achieving it etc. But I'd never really thought about it before.

It's like with exercise. Everybody knows you should work out and it's good for you. But when it really hits you is when you actually feel good and in shape after actually doing something concrete about it.

So now I've got another goal for this year: simply

                                                                                              dream.