Happy Endings aka Cue the anxiety

After five and a half years (that felt like decades) I'm finally graduating on March 18th. (Bachelor on social services / kindergarten teacher.) A couple of weeks ago when I  sent in my last essay, I expected fireworks, happiness, singing from the top of my lungs, jumping around, anything but --- anxiety.

Dakota Blue Richards as Franky on Skins.

I felt overwhelmed and scared of what is going to happen next. (Even though I already had a job so actually nothing was changing.) Irrational thoughts. Again.

Fear of the future is very common with people with anxiety. Am I ever going to get better? What if I start feeling worse? How do I cope with new school/job/flat/relationships etc.

I did feel all the pleasant feelings like happiness and relief but, as many people struggling with panic attacks, I  was subconsciously too afraid to feel them so I did what I always do: turned them into anxiety and started feeling panicky.

It is super frustrating when even positive things create anxiety. Like, isn't it enough to feel anxious about almost everything else? This isn't fair!

Before I had a full blown panic attack on my hands, I called my Dad. It helped me to share with someone what I was going through. And when I wasn't alone with my thoughts and talked through what I was feeling, I saw the situation as it was:  nothing to be scared about.

Yes, I felt weird and even uncomfortable. But it was ok. It's common to feel this way when something ends. Whether it's school, a job or a relationship. I got some perspective.

Endings and Beginnings

Today my therapist said the words everyone wants to hear. And those words scared the wits out of me.

The words were: "I'm starting to feel like you don't really need therapy anymore."

I felt everything in that moment. Happiness, sadness, anxiety, disbelief.
I know I'm feeling better but I'm afraid of the future. And 'what if`' thoughts begin to race in my head.
What if I start feeling bad again? What if I can't work anymore? What if I can't leave the house?

These thoughts are not realistic and I know that but they still scare me.
My therapist wonderfully said that of course if I ever start feeling bad I can immediately text her and book an appointment. I know I'm catastrophizing. (What is catastrophizing? Psychcentral.com explains.) Fearing the worst possible for my future. Therapist reminded me that there are always options, nothing is set in stone. And it made me feel better.

So in my near future I'm looking at going to therapy not so often.

(Note: I've been going twice a month now. Every other week. When I started six years ago, I went twice a week. So there has been significant change already. But actually thinking about quitting is a big deal.)

When I was driving home, the first song that came on the radio was finnish band Stella's song 'Aamun kuiskaus' (Morning's whisper) and it just felt right for the moment.

Lyrics translate from lyrictranslate.com:

Morning's Whisper

Some days are better than others
you understand that
it depends also a lot about you how
you color this picture
 
Go ahead, the ice will carry you
be calm, you know i'll follow you
the ice will carry you, close your eyes already

Feel how the wind
paints a new color on your face
don't worry, the voice that you hear
is morning's whisper, it wakes you up slowly

It's very easy to sink in moments
where the feeling is lie
you only lose your soul on nightly trips
you get deep cuts

say a word, and you know i'll come meet you
be calm, i still follow you
the ice can carry you
( now) hear my song

Feel how the wind
paints a new color on your face
don't worry, the voice that you hear
is morning's whisper, it wakes you up slowly

Go ahead, the ice can carry you

Go ahead, the ice can carry you

Go ahead, the ice can carry you
close your eyes already

Feel how the wind
paints a new color on your face
don't worry, the voice that you hear
is morning's whisper, it wakes you up slowly

Feel how the wind

Paints a new color

The voice that you hear
is morning's whisper, it wakes you up slowly
Go ahead, the ice can carry you

"Hello..?" - Speaking on the Phone

Even calling your friends might be really hard for those having anxiety. Let alone dealing with more official business. What it is, exactly, that makes us so afraid of speaking on the phone?

Dakota Blue Richards as Franky on Skins.

I have a fear of sounding stupid. I'm afraid that my anxiety takes control and I don't know what to say and end up sounding dumb. When it comes to friends, I'm afraid that I'll somehow disturb them.  
Are they annoyed that I'm calling? 
Maybe they don't want to hear from me.

These fears are completely irrational. (As are most fears your anxiety-fueled mind will come up with.)

What can I do? I know these fears aren't realistic but they still disturb me.

I can start calling people. (And I mean other than my parents.)
Sometimes when I'm about to text my friends, I can call them instead.

Also when I have to call someplace (like book a doctor's appointment or something) and anxiousness starts to arise, I can face it instead of running away from it. When I postpone calling and find excuses like "I must clean this place up, I will call later.", I'm making calling bigger of a deal than it is.  And it keeps getting harder and harder.

Is this going to be a challenge? Yes. Do I feel anxious just thinking about it? Yes.

But just realizing the problem and deciding to do something about it, is an important step forward. Give yourself some credit. (Something which I'm also struggling with.)

Here's to speaking on the phone without feeling self-conscious!

Dream

Today in therapy we talked about dreams. More particularly destinations I would like to travel to and the things I'd want to see.

Cliffs of Moher, Ireland, tweeted to GotIreland by AlmaJesen

My first thoughts were "Not gonna happen. Ever. Me on an airplane? Remember the last time...?" and so on. It was like a reflex. These thought patterns have been so much a part of me that at first it was hard to even be aware of them. No wonder changing them can be difficult.

I let the negative thoughts pass and actually started to feel excited.

I've read articles about the importance and benefits of dreaming. I knew "all" about how you should dream something and then visualise achieving it etc. But I'd never really thought about it before.

It's like with exercise. Everybody knows you should work out and it's good for you. But when it really hits you is when you actually feel good and in shape after actually doing something concrete about it.

So now I've got another goal for this year: simply

                                                                                              dream.

Going back

Whether it's going back to school, to work or to your own place after the holidays, people with anxiety often find it difficult. I'm no different.

 

After spending a week and a half at my parents', today was time to pack up my stuff and two cats and head back home. Work tomorrow.

While I was driving, the familiar thoughts started to appear: 'What if I have a panic attack?', 'What if I can't go to work?' 'I feel sick.'

What did I do? Before my whole body started to tense, I took a breath. A deep breath and relaxed my shoulders as well as I could. I've noticed many times that that small moment, taking a breath, could make the difference between having a panic attack and not having one.

I'm still anxious about tomorrow; breathing didn't macigally make it disappear. But  I'm not panicking. I'm able to function. Which is what learning to live with anxiety is all about.